" This is me at my darkest.": tree chopping party 2007

Sunday, December 9, 2007

tree chopping party 2007

well, yesterday i went to our annual family reunion. it is called the tree choppin party. we take a bus to a tree farm and we get trees and wreaths. then we come back and have appetizers. traditionally, crab balls and fried and raw oisters. yuck 4 those oisters. then me, my mom, my cousin caryn, my cousin april and my cousin lauren sort out ever ones christmas cards. then we went downstairs and we all ate dinner. then santa clause came and he gave all of us a gift. i got relient k's new christmas album, let it snow baby, let it reindeer. then we all sat around played texas holdem, watched santa clause two and held baby dillain. she was so cute.

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Timothy, by As Cities Burn

It's not the cold making my legs shake.
It's Timmy's ghost taking his place in our hearts forever.

It's not the sound keeping me from sleep.
It's what Jesus said about hell underneath.
I think I'd rather believe it's some imaginary place,
Made up to make children behave,
So our souls are safe to wander off,
Wherever they might please.
Your soul is safe wherever you might be.

Come now, sleep.
Come now, sleep.

Tell me I'm only dreaming.
Tell me he's just sleeping.
And when morning comes,
We'll both wake up to the sun,
and love that's enough to keep our friends alive.

Phone call.
I pull my car to the side of the road.
No, it's not the cold making my legs shake.
It's someone I love being taken away.
A ghost is taking his place in our hearts.

Where inside he moves from room to room,
but sometimes he climbs our spines,
to remind our grieving hearts,
that in this way he hasn't left.

Tell me I'm only dreaming.
Tell me he's just sleeping.
And when morning comes,
We'll both wake up to the sun,
and love that's enough to keep our friends alive.
Love is enough to keep our friends alive.

Take me back to where I was before I was born.
It's life; sweet and dreamless sleep
It sounds like heaven to me.

how could you do this?

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

~Cut, Plumb

this is so beautiful (as ur voice fades, emery)

somebody please tell me
what am i suppose to do?
you died and i'm here
thinking that i hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
i beg you God tonight bring me peace
i'll never sleep without
the dreams of you alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as i held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until i see you again
white words (your life) evade me (but a moment)
i'll wait to (i'll cling to) remember you (forever)
and what you had (your words) meant to me (on my blood)
could never be forgotten
the chains (why) of death (don't take)
are falling (away), but my heart still bleeds
it longs for (why) the day (did you die)
when we will be as one

the tragedy of incredulity and acceptance

they watched the sun go and then return
without a care in the world
she had him he had her
they didn't know that they needed YOU
until YOU came knocking on their door in a fretful sight
they sat YOU down and gave YOU food before YOU could even speak
they showed YOU kindness and gave YOU love
little did they know of the love YOU had given them
YOU died for tehm and spoke them into life and they had no idea
they went on living like a normal family and waited for YOUR return
and YOU did when they finally realized their need
their need for YOU was so great and they could not contain it
YOU told them of YOUR love and precious grace and mercy and they listened intently
hanging on every word
they had no idea what was coming no idea what would happen
until it did
it hit them like lightning and no time to recover was given
she'd sit alone in her room pondering his death
while he looked down upon her from heaven clasping HIS hand
she'd pray that she could be with YOU and him and slowly YOU granted her wish but in a different persepctive
on that cold winter morning in the middle of december when all the trees were bare
and all the flowers dead
when the sun set and returned alone
no more smiling faces waited for it and no warm kisesss on their faces it offered
no more she cared for it no more did she wish to still be here
until he was gone did she realize all she had
how she was blessed but never really believed
i guess now she knows of her mistakes of her folly
she thought the taking of ones life would solve everything
well now she knows and burns for it every hour every minute of every day

whatever your doing . . . . .

it's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

~sanctus real

on a cold winter morning . . . . .

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
(He talks like a gentlemen, like you imagined when)
When you were young

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know

~ when you were young, the killers

needtobreathe

If you don't know just how you feel,
Don't say hose sweet things
That you know I'd wanna hear

If you don't know just what to think,
Then put your thoughts away
And keep them out of reach

(Chorus)
Haley don't hurt me
If you don't know
I could have moved on a long time ago
You're undecided, your eyes do show
Haley don't hurt me if you don't know

If you don't know just where we are
Then slowly step away before we get too far

If you don't know just where you stand
Don't brace a fall that you may never want to land

Chorus

We're on and off again
It's more than I can stand
So let me know if you're for real this time
Your voice, it shook again
Reminded me of when
We talked our way into the end.

~ Haley

romance in denial

Hey, where were you today?
I was on my death bed, per say.
Here, I wait for your return,
Waiting as you run away.
And now, several weeks have passed
I wonder when you’re coming home.
I’m here, I’m lying on the floor.
I’ve never felt this alone.

You are never compromising.
You are always fantasizing.

Dreams, our dreams have come and gone.
You claim that you’re still chasing yours.
So wait - where do I fit in?
I give enough, you still want more.
So I guess, I guess I just give in.
My broken life is built around yours now.

So will you stay with me?
Everything’s perfect, everything’s perfect tonight
Cant’s you see?
Don’t say a word, no don’t say a word.

You are never compromising.
You are always fantasizing.
Don’t want to talk about,
Don’t want to think about,
These problems that we know,
These problems that we know.

So will you stay with me?
Everything’s perfect, everything’s perfect tonight
Cant’s you see?
Don’t say a word, no don’t say a word

~forever changed

praise and adore

What I have to say is obvious
A knowledge free, for all of us are
Your Word leaves us with no excuse
The paths we choose make us who we are
There’s a breeze blowing through here tonight

(Chorus)
So I praise and adore you
Lay it all down before you
In every way you’re beautiful
From my heart
I praise and adore
You made the world beautiful
I cannot stand and deny
You created life
And some live without it

Wake up morning sunrise in my eyes
At night the moon lights all the sky
The sound of hope that’s in the air
In everything, it’s everywhere
There’s a breeze blowing through here tonight

(Chorus)

(2x’s)
It’s true, it’s all you

So I praise and adore you
Lay it all down before you
In every way you’re beautiful
From my heart
And every breath I take
There’s no way
Accident created this place

~wavorly

watch over me, aaron shust

I was lonely
You came waltzing over to me
And Your eyes they saw right through me
And You heard each one of my cries for help
And You came to rescue me
I was broken
Every prayer that I had spoken
Reached Your ears and all my tears weren’t cried in vain
You carried all my pain
And put me back together again
You watch over me in the darkest valleys
You watch over me when the night seems long
You help me to see the way before me
You watch over me; You watch over me
Always faithful
To be leading, at this moment
Interceding for Your children
Though I’ve wandered astray from Your infinite ways
You’ve never left me alone -[to chorus]
Take my frozen heart; awaken me
Never once have You forsaken me
Even though I walk through this shadow of death
You will guide and defend me
You’ll guard and protect me
Even though I walk through this shadow of death
You will lead me home

a quote cooler than the last one

You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground,............., Mayday Parade

And honestly, I have been begging for answers
That you and only you can give to me
A voice crying loud
I've been crying for days now
And as I start to run, I stop to breathe
(And I was nearly scared to death)
And I was nearly scared to death
(Why you left in paragraphs)
Why you left in paragraphs
(The words were nearly over us)
The words were nearly over us
You stop and turn and grab your bags

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question."
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

death until it may come

Deathbed, relient k

You cried wolf
The tears they soaked your fur
The blood dripped from your fangs
You said, "What have I done?"
You loved that lamb
With every sinful bone
And there you wept alone
Your heart was so contrite

You said, "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day please take me home with you"

I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear You whisper to me,
"It's time to leave
You'll never be lonely again"

I am the Way
Follow Me
And take My hand
And I am the Truth
Embrace Me and you'll understand
And I am the Light
And for Me you'll live again
For I am Love
I am Love
I, I am Love

the life i now live in vain

Every once in a while I think I’m lying
Take it to the bank; I'll believe every word I say (This just isn't how, this just isn't how)
Then again this is when you start your prying (This just isn't how, this just isn't how)
But there’s a thought it could be true
But this just isn’t how I imagined it would be

With these random people just asking the most personal things
And to think that somehow I could always come clean
And you shake your head just like you know what I mean

You’re Christian, tell the sinner, to find repentance, it’s your last chance
You believer, where’s your patience?
Answer questions, put on faces
What about God?
What about God?
What about God?
What does it mean?
What does it mean?
For you and for me, what about God?
All have fallen short.

(To see if it’s right or wrong to listen to this song, I don’t want you too)
(And see if you’re okay with all the words I say; it can’t be this way)
Somehow, someone's more equal than others
Depending on the words we choose to say

A glance at her too long tonight
But everything I'm saying's right in your ears
We are all the sisters and the brothers
Until we find we don’t believe the same

~listening to Freddie Murphy, emery

Vacant is beauty, written by me

The empty wall stares back @ my vacant eyes

A bible by my side I sit and write

My back to the vacant wall

When will I finally understand?

When will my heart fully know?

Never I think, I wish, I condescend

The words jump from my hand as I remember

Good times, bad times

My life flashes in front on the empty wall

I see a baby carefree

A teenager who is unsure of her life

Whose heart has broken so much

Something this broken is hard to fix

I'm suddenly lost tin another word

God, help me, free me, from my past

I see myself staring back as I fix my gaze ahead

Closing my eyes i say a prayer

Keep me near the cross, please, I need you

My God, my love, my life

Emotions pour form my heart

As the rain begins to fall

I hear his voice as I sit and stare at an empty wall

My hair strewn about my pale face

The lining of my heart unfolds

As I continue to write my life

I guess I will never understand

Never know why, never fully see

One tear falls from vacant and empty eyes as I feel his strong arms

Enfold my weak and wilted body

I dare not move for his embrace soothes

Fill a hundred mirrors w/ this image

This image of fake beauty

This image of a dying heart

This image of a girl saved from wrath

The wall appears vivid as my image fades

Tears fall striking this blank page

It’s so hard to read when my letters are empty

Words are scarcely heard above the sound of quiet

An everlasting stack my tears have become as they stain this blank page

If only I could tell you how much I love you then maybe I could fill………..

One more empty letter arrives

You read unseen words as I sit and watch my savior’s concealed eyes

When will I know? How will I feel?

Words become rhythm as I sit and chant

The empty wall stairs back at my vacant eyes

Words seem lost as my soul lingers

How will my savior take me home w/ my uncleanliness and unworthiness; a cloud above my head

My heart is tied back together as I sit

And write on this tear stricken paper

Times up…….have to go now……..

i hope so

are there enough words to express?
enough feelings to feel?
is their enough love to give?
enough grace to sustain?
i was a wicked one
how much flowers to brighten?
how little time to spend?
how much darkness to pierce?
how long till the end?
piece by piece i fade into ur everlasting arms.
the words of lips spread, but for how much longer?
the prayers begin to never cease, but for how much longer?
my fingers continue to type with ease, but for how much longer?
i stare into oblivion, unable to respond.
click.....click......
i just ansered all my questions..............
...........forever.......

Broken

my heart drips w/ poison as i stand beneath the cross
tears fall from my scorched eyes as i sit and conflagrate ( look it up:)
laughter fills my ears as they slowly melt away
no escape, no escape, God please help ur child, my blistered lips seem to scream w/ no sound
staring into the flames they lick and swallow my pain
my soul so empty w/ despair; my hands drip w/ losing love
the flames try and try, but cannot pierce the solid cross four which it stands in their desperate way
defeated i stand w/ unworthiness and ugliness penetrating my already dead emotions
a man walks through the fiery blaze; his purity unscorched by the longingness of my sin
he bends down and picks me up without a second thought
not caring about my state
he caries my dripping flesh and bones and gently places me @ the foot of the cross
two words stab the silence
forgive me! i cry w/ my heart broken
my wounds become one as i lay in scrutiny
light pierces red as rays portrude from my brokenness
instantly fire turns into ash
my wounds heal w/ every new breath as i walk toward my savior and he takes my hand
the sun peaks over the horizon as the fires of death and destruction lurk behind deceiving every being
..........i have found new life.........

emery, playing w/ fire

Pardon me for saying so but you look more pitiful
Than I had ever imagined
Despite perfect fashion
And your photographs depict you so differently
I always thought you would be, some sort of match for me

So let's decide who can survive
Stomping feet and racing beats
Of hearts that don't ever slow
Then I'll write letters on white paper
Expressing my deep disappointment

dripping where I stand from my watery hands
Hoping to get past the open bedroom door
Where her clothes on the floor
Remind me of our conversations
The feeling of slight hesitation
To turn out the lights

am i understood? relient k

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil
me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
and I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever
need

You looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
you let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to
create space
cause I want distance from the utmost important thing
I know
I see your love, then turn my back, and beg for you to
go

" This is me at my darkest."

Sunday, December 9, 2007

tree chopping party 2007

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how sweet the sound

other blogs to visit

don't just tell me thats its over, i wanna know how we can make it

I'll be by your side, whenever your falling, please don't fight these hands that are holding you

Timothy, by As Cities Burn

u seem to be fading with every passing note (the music thrills you and beg for more)

how could you do this?

this is so beautiful (as ur voice fades, emery)

i learned to never tell olivia that i was fine . . .

vade mecum, by billy collins

the weather would celerate us bothat is from hte band maps and atlases wth as we ran all the home

i see the rain around me but i can not feel it(watch it now here he comes)

the tragedy of incredulity and acceptance

how long till YOu come?(i think the times wev'e had are now gone)

the begining of whats to come(this distorted life YOU have pullled me from)

whatever your doing . . . . .

i'm so small, how can this great love be in me?(the minute i was born you stole my heart)

books that you should look into . . .

i yearn for peace and rest(you cast my sins as far as the east is from the west)

on a cold winter morning . . . . .

such pretty skin give it ot us(the keytarist from showbread this is so awesome)

needtobreathe

i am such a monster

but somethings different today, you want to run the opposite way

romance in denial

my emo chucks

praise and adore

i am unbreakable its unmistakeable

watch over me, aaron shust

so many invisible voices. can you hear them all?(Washington D.C.)

what are you so scared of sister?(save me from myself)

a quote cooler than the last one

love isn't always love the way that we mean(lets climb to the top if you won't look down)

the beautiful absence(yes, i know)

pain

keep the details quiet

You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground,............., Mayday Parade

one day in the middle of the night(i saw him standing there, invisible He may be)

death until it may come

the life i now live in vain

exerpt

Vacant is beauty, written by me

tis the season to be jolly

things to do w/ boredom, a paperclip, and note book paper

i hope so

danklestein

for your information this happens to be a bowling ball, . . . actually 3 bowling balls

Broken

you'll never know

ur safe now the truth is out(i have a plan for you it will only take a lifetime)

anyone in their right mind would never let you inside

-H-a-i-k-u-

exspressions

green

emery, playing w/ fire

the last moments......for a time

forever loved

i look under the tree but theres nothing to see cause its a broken heart that ur giving me . . .

it would appear that i am certainly not a manly man, but you, i don't know :)

poetry not by me

About Me

me and rach, yeah

my favorite quotes thus far

Genesis 1:3-4

am i understood? relient k

i don't need anybody i don't need anyone i don't need ur guidance home

Luke 22:18-20

today, wishing floating to the tops

i am bored

who i am