here i am Lord, and i'm drowning in a sea of forgetfulness

the thought that raced through my mind has suddenly vanished
my black eyes stare into the light
my cold heart seems to cower in his presence
i dare not walk for i fear i may crumble
i dare not stand for i fear i may die
but what is death?
something i should welcome, die for
yes, to die for death would be a great feat
the book in my hands bursts into flames as i walk
unaware of pain, death i go on
life, how long has it been since i've lived?
i've lived a thousand days of waste, nothingness
that is what i am, nothing
to die is everything
nothing has yet to become everything, so i have yet to die
do you know what it feels like?
to die.......
to know you are dying? to feel death? to taste it?
such a sour taste has become sweet to my tongue
until it betrays my being and kills me form the inside out
this one thing i long
but cannot grasp it for my hand withholds
no longer is my mind my supremacy, nor my heart,
nor anything...
....but you, my Savior,
my God, my love
how can i survive without a restraint?
but yet i can, for i have you; my everything
i want to die but everything is black
i want to die, but i can't
i can't die to this life, for how can u die when u have yet to live?
so many things to say, to write, to do, but as it
seems i am dead
dead to contradiction
to life
contradiction seems the ritual of this heart
forever held in the pity of despair
this grasping hand is forever mine
to hold, to love, to die
to die is everything
how much more times death overtakes this........... thing
this thing who knows of nothing yet everything
she thinks of nothing but yet she can't think
how can one think if they cannot?
thinking is unbearable to the mind
so much as one thought will kill me
death is such a sensational thing
so soon it grasps my mind with an iron fist
so much longing, so much life
live with the Savior or forever be dead
live free of Satan or forever be dead
live free or be dead
dead to everything, i, you, me, mine

my heart longs